I have now missed 2 weeks of training due to becoming sidetracked and also lethargic from way too many negative or stressful thoughts that leave me little desire to get in my car and go to train when class time comes.
I specifically arranged my life so I could work and do most things at my convenience, and look at what still happens. Let us explore why. Most of my working life from around 33 onward, I said to myself, “If only I could take 2 years off from working and just train, I could do this and that and blah, blah.blah. And for years I kept that goal in mind. Now that I can pretty much do it, I am weighted down with horrific personal “stuff” that is like tossing glue into the gears of my brain. My mother passed away, I lost my relationship with all of my dearest friends since childhood, my sister whom I counted on for us to be there for each other when this happened has turned into a person I am not proud to call my sister. We havent talked for 3 months. (What I never realized was we never talked for 47 years since she was alive.), and I lost the only job I ever felt at home in, because of someones spite.
“That’s the past. Go out there and be the peaceful warrior you’ve always wanted to be, go and have some fun out of life. Stop sitting home feeling sorry for yourself. You can just spend all day training no,finally. Yeaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!! Lets do It!!!!!!” That is what I have been telling myself for a long time now. So why have I missed 2 weeks? Is it because I am still single and come home to an empty silent condo every night, is it the loss of my mother and sister? Is it the fact that I am now age 53 and am I just slowing down?
All of these guesses may be correct. But, here is the problem. I don’t think about much else besides Martial Arts, I beat myself up when I do not attend class, so what is wrong? I cannot win either way. If I make a decision to go to class no matter what, I start getting depressed and keep checking my watch. If I tell myself to take another 6 months off from martial arts and try a new class or art, I find that stressful as well. I also realize that at my age, every day counts. Every single day! What is a Warrior to do but to train?
Besides, I have found a teacher that can flow unlike anyone else I have ever seen. Do I want to look back with regret and disgust as I have with 2 or 3 other teachers and say…”Why didnt I stick to this class?!!! I cannot live thru that again. So………….It appears the only thing I can do is to re-frame the experience of training. Yes I am a 53-year-old trying to keep up with 22 year olds. But you have the experience over most of them. And your age gives you other things as well. So I will be there tomorrow. Yes I will!